A Peak Into Chris' World
Every Thursday I sit at the computer and write this blog. I don't schedule topics or titles, I write. I give it a quick edit and push the button to publish. I'll tell you how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking about at that moment. I let it encompass me for however long it takes to get it out. I chose Thursdays because Mark died on a Thursday and I needed to take that day back and turn it into a positive again.
That's the buildup to how the blogging process works for me. I wanted you to understand because I have so many random thoughts today, but it'll be a quick trip into Chris' world. Count yourself lucky it'll be quick and you won't need a map or a passport. You get to visit and then leave back to the safety of your own world. Do try to keep up, don't ask questions and tip your tour guide at the end.
It's Thursday and I miss Mark. I'm really busy at work because the State has rolled out an Emergency Drought program to help farmers and ranchers install practices that will give them access to water, but I'm convinced I've discovered a political conspiracy concerning this program due to the weird guidelines and quick deadlines. I finally have my own conspiracy!
I find myself attributing personalities to faceless drivers during my morning comute. The Entitled, The Self Absorbed, The Hall Monitor, The Pretend No One Else is Here, The Control Freaks and people like me who watch these nut jobs from a distance with wonder. I find people fascinating. Which leads me to the next thing.
While I find people fascinating, I don't understand them. It's really hard for me to relate to what others deal with in their lives and some of my relationships suffer because of it. I'm sure it makes me appear unsympathitic, when in reality it's confustion. It's my nature to help, share and guide while you have my attention, but grab me quick, I have the attention span of a judge on Ink Masters. (I love that show!) I love the art in tatoos, but I'd never get one myself, much less make myself a walking art gallery. See! You almost lost me to discussing Ink Masters, but I'm back.
I don't understand women who allow themselves or their children to be abused. I don't understand putting up with attitudes and actions in your relationships that make you feel small or unable to live your life without their guidance and control. I don't understand being comfortable with hate, pettiness or bitterness. I don't see the logic in hating someone because of their life choices. Don't people have enough to do just to survive? I can't see where that benefits you.
I don't understand people who dislike themselves, then spread that around in their actions, words and attitudes so others feel like it too, just so you can feel better about yourself. Loving and liking myself has never been my problem and mybe that's why it's so hard for me to relate to their problems. I want to help, but I don't know how.
I don't understand the need to make excuses. When you know, love and accept yourself, you accept the failures, missed attemps and fly bys that happen. You're ok with being failible, you're ok with apologizing to yourself and others when needed and you make a point of saying, "I'm sorry I did that". You take responsibility, because a mistake, even when you planned the action, is a single moment in your life. You know you're not defined by it, you know you're still awesome. Accountibility doesn't need excuses.
At the same time that I'm playing with the human psyche, I'm deciding whether I want to paint all the molding in my home black, trying to figure out my best fit to volunteer somewhere and debating on how many cats makes an unmanageable hoard. I'm also planning to create a new logo for my office and I'm trying to motivate myself to balance my finances. And it's Thursay, I miss Mark.