top of page

I Need A Road Map

I had this awesome life. I was a wife, mother, daughter, GC (Grandma or Goddess Chris, depending on who you ask) friend, Conservationist, Junker, decorator, gardener and reader. I had hobbies. I went to lunches and outings, I took care of my husband, spent summers running with the GG's (grandgirls). I enjoyed making my own cleaning products, mixing my own seasonings, and practiced what I preached about the environment. Hell, I have 36 Christmas trees, so I defy anyone to tell me it wasn't awesome.

Then in mid-July my husband contracted Covid. Since he was a 12-year cancer survivor, we knew it could get rocky, but after 3 weeks in ICU he just died. He died.

Before I could catch my breath, wipe my face of tears, or even recognize that I was in shock, I was expected to answer questions and make decisions. "Do you have a funeral home"? What the hell. No, I don't have a funeral home, I also don't have a Mercedes dealer on the off chance I win the lottery.

"Who would you like to take the body"? The body? He's my HUSBAND, use his damn name. "Who needs to be notified"? "Do you want a service"? "How are you getting home"? "Are you ok"?

Well. I have to tell you, that last one almost broke me. I could feel myself retreating.

This is my journal, so I am going to lay it all out there, my words, my feelings, my life. And as I don't really expect anyone to read it, I'll be brutally honest.

NO. I'm not ok.

I'm not even within cell phone range of okay. That has to be the dumbest question. I understand it comes from a place of concern. They need to be reassured. Problem is, I've got nothing for them. I know I will be ok, just not yet.

Another question that almost sent me screaming is, "what can I do"? Do? I don't know what I'm supposed to do, now I have to direct other people? I need to breathe. I need to talk to my husband. I need to process that my entire life has changed. He's dead.

See I had this awesome life, and now I have to figure out how to have one again without Mark. All that stuff I mentioned earlier about who I was? I did those things with him. Sometimes he rode shotgun, sometimes I was in the backseat, but he was there. Always there. This is my solo road trip, it doesn't come with a map. I'm just aimlessly driving without lights or direction.

This journal serves as a record for the journey that I never expected to take, but as my husband would say, "get on with it". Yes babe, I hear you, it's just that I still miss you so much. I know I have to move forward, but at the moment I'm only taking micro-baby steps. I got out of bed, what do you want from me?


Recent Posts

See All

The Magic Of Christmas

Is Christmas going to be hard for me this year? Yes, of course, but I'm not going to focus on that, I'm going to help spread some magic instead. Christmas is a celebration that life never truly ends.

Move Mountains

I have a girl power playlist, you know all the songs that remind me that I can do anything because I was lucky enough to be born as a member of the strongest gender. Anyway, I listen to it when I nee

Life is Short

I had lunch with friends last week and one of them told us that including me, she knew a couple of people that had recently lost spouses and it drove home to her the saying, "life is short". She was

1 comentario

31 ago 2022

Chris I’m walking in those shoes a second time. Reach out if you want to talk. DeAun Olive

Me gusta

Hi, thanks for stopping by!

My name is Chris and I am taking a new life journey.

I never expected to have to start again, but life is life.

Come with me as I move forward with hope for the future. 

Let the posts
come to you.

Thanks for submitting!

  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
bottom of page