It never occurred to me that at the moment of Mark's death, I had become a widow. It wasn't until I was asked if I was single or married while filing paperwork over the phone, that it hit me. I was trying to choke the word single out when my daughter said, 'mom you're a widow". A widow.
Do you remember the earlier post when I talked about how I dislike labels? Well, I fell right into this one. But, it really makes me angry. For several reasons. One, I've never been one to wrap my identity around the fact that I'm married. I'm Chris first, Mark was my partner in life, not my status. Honestly, I don't ever remember anyone calling me Mrs. And now that it's too late, my mail is coming to me as Mrs. Everyone who needed to be notified about Mark's death is sending mail to Mrs. Chris Ward. I feel like they want to hammer home my widowhood.
Don't they know that I'm freaking out on multiple levels simultaneously right now? Do they really need to add WIDOW to the chaos? I mean give me a break! Widow is for little old ladies. Yes, I have cats, but only two, and I can be really crabby and I don't really care that much about fashion and hair, and I have been known to go all day in my jams and braless......OMG! I might be a widow! Nah. and here's why.
My second objection to the designation of widow is simply this, I still feel married. I'm still handling his business, wearing his boxers, and dusting his freakin Urn. Yesterday I had to cancel his automatic refills after arguing with an automatic voice with an Indian accent, I had a language barrier communication problem with a computer on Mark's behalf. I get phone calls for Mark, and I've tripped over his houseshoes. The world still feels unreal to me. The sun shines, birthdays are happening around me, friends are going on vacation and I get up every morning looking for him. It gets better every day, but I'm just not quite there yet.
I'm not ready to be his widow. I'm ignoring that label because I haven't let go enough yet. I am first and foremost Chris with my wacky personality and opinionated ways, but I was his wife, and I don't choose to be his widow right now. Except when filing taxes. I'll happily check that box in a heartbeat because it will allow me the same status as married, filing jointly. For everyone, other than the IRS, no thank you, call me Chris!