Out of Step In My Own World
Do you ever get that feeling of being out of sync with the world? As if you've entered a room everyone else is leaving? Or that everyone else gets a joke that just doesn't make sense to you? That's me right now. I feel out of step or like I'm living in a house of mirrors where everything is distorted and misleading.
My old routines don't feel right, they don't feel as though they belong to me anymore. Everything was impacted by Mark's death. I'm not in shock anymore, I accept that he's gone, but not really. I guess it would be closer to the truth to say, I realize he's gone. But I feel like I can't relate to anyone anymore.
People either want to avoid you like being a widow could be contagious, treat you as though nothing's happened, or offer endless unsolicited lifestyle advice. I can't blame any of them. I'm not sure what I want anyway. I go from moment to moment. Sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I want to talk about him, and sometimes I'm so sick of thinking about his absence I could scream. How is anyone supposed to know what to say or how to tiptoe through my many personalities on any given day, when I don't know how?
Sometimes I feel so much, sometimes I don't think I feel much at all. Sometimes I feel good, and positive and have developed the skill to manufacture happiness. Sometimes I'm honestly good. But, I'm still not content. I don't like sleeping alone, eating alone, shopping for one, and having no one to share my day with. And I swear the moment I start sharing my day with the cats I'm joining therapy. I can't seem to sync with the world.
The office is busy around me and I'm staring off into space. I join family events with happy people who are living their lives and want to share that with me, but I'm so resentful. I watch people make thoughtless mistakes that make me so grateful for my own tribe. I have more financial stability than I had before and I wish it away. Give me back what I had before.
I watch those around me go on vacations, celebrate occasions, and discuss their daily grind all while I'm thinking, this isn't right, how can you just act like life is normal? How can my life before Mark's death seem so distant? How can those old habits I lived by two months ago feel like they belong to someone else? How can the world feel so unfamiliar to me? The transition period between what was and what will make me feel like I'm trapped in a Woody Allen movie, one of the weird bad ones.
The only thing I know for sure right now is, that sometimes when I enter a room everyone else is leaving.